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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27825487">Hold Onto Me (I'm a Little Unsteady)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/shamelessllamapeanutthing/pseuds/shamelessllamapeanutthing'>shamelessllamapeanutthing</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bleach</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Hurt Kurosaki Ichigo, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Pining, Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:55:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,003</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27825487</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/shamelessllamapeanutthing/pseuds/shamelessllamapeanutthing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ichigo hurts and Urahara is Urahara (aka a bitch) </p><p>EXACT 3k words of heartache.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kurosaki Ichigo/Urahara Kisuke</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>The Seireitei Server Holidays Gift Exchange 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Hold Onto Me (I'm a Little Unsteady)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadly_tues_days/gifts">deadly_tues_days</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'll have my amazing ass beta edit this later but I am not exactly posting this in the best of circumstances so oopsie-daisy, make do. Hope you enjoy, @deadly_tues_days :))</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ichigo doesn’t believe he is in love. </p><p>Love reaches deep within you and wraps itself around your heart in coils so warm that you stand smiling on the edge of a cliff, unbothered by the fall, anticipating it even, because the one you love is waiting to catch you, hold you, keep you safe. Love is admiration, settling so deep into your bones that you never quite learn to believe you are worthy of the person you're in love with, always reaching to be your best self, because you know your beloved deserves nothing less. Love is patient in its flow, trusting at its core, like eyes watching the door for months and months without once learning to doubt your lover's return. </p><p>Love is the fond wetness in his father’s eyes all of these years later as he gazes at the portrait of his wife in silence when he thinks no one is looking. Love is the trembling of Rukia’s fingers when Renji finally reaches out, her big, blue eyes assuring him she has never not been his, not for a second. Love is the sweet curl of Tatsuki’s mouth when Orihime isn’t looking, and the shy, rosy blush on Orihime’s cheeks when Tatsuki throws an arm around her. </p><p>The thing is, Ichigo has always been surrounded by love, even if he never truly felt like he was the centre of it. He knows it, recognises it and Kisuke can’t fool him this time. </p><p>Not that he is trying, and strangely enough, Ichigo, in his desperation, almost wishes he was. </p><p>Love isn’t Kisuke’s cold eyes and beguiling smiles. Love isn’t breathless panting in the dead of the night and after, sheets left cold to the touch before dawn so much as breaks. Love doesn’t make you into a glutton for pleasure, especially if it comes at the expense of your partner’s bruised pride. Love isn’t something Kisuke would ever offer Ichigo. </p><p>… and that’s okay. Ichigo isn’t in love, after all. </p><p>Except he is. </p><p>…</p><p>Chad pities him. It’s apparent in the fall of his gaze whenever Ichigo tries to meet it. </p><p>The same Chad who once looked at Ichigo like Ichigo hung the stars and the moon in the night sky now looks at Ichigo like he is a wounded animal; fragile, pathetic, helpless and deserving of nothing but sympathy. </p><p>“Urahara wants to go for a picnic thing somewhere out of town so I am going to have to bail this weekend,” Ichigo lies to Chad and Uryuu. Kisuke never wants to go anywhere and Ichigo doesn’t want anyone to know how he has decided to settle for whatever humiliating scraps the man hands out to him, like a well-trained, obedient dog. </p><p>Oh, how Renji would have a laugh now. </p><p>Renji never does laugh, though; neither does Rukia, or Orihime or Chad. Not even Uryuu does. They just gaze at him with pity, and Ichigo knew opening his heart to these idiots was going to come back to bite him in his ass one day because no matter how much he lies, they don’t believe him. </p><p>They know, they have always known, and if Ichigo was a stronger person, he would ask for help, like Renji did. Or learn to move on, like Orihime and Chad had.   </p><p>He isn’t though, so he slaps a grin on his face and lies. </p><p>…</p><p>Kisuke isn’t mean, he is never mean. </p><p>It’s why Ichigo can’t come to hate him.</p><p>“Do you need help with those, Ichigo?” Kisuke asks after about twenty minutes of watching Ichigo struggle with the same math problem. Ichigo is close to scratching his scalp bloody and the growl he levels the older man with is vicious, but affirmative. </p><p>Kisuke chuckles and draws closer, leaning over Ichigo to get a better look at his textbook. Ichigo instinctively leans back, resting his head on Kisuke’s shoulder as he lets his eyes drift closed for a second or ten, breathing in the musky scent underlying Kisuke’s old-man perfume, as he likes to call it. Staying like this, he can almost convince himself… </p><p>At some point, Kisuke draws the pencil out of Ichigo’s fist, even as Ichigo continues to keep his eyes shut. There’s telltale scratch of lead against paper and then Kisuke is chuckling softly, infuriatingly. </p><p>… adorably.  </p><p>“That was easier than you made it seem.” </p><p>“Mhm,” Ichigo has always been too in awe of Kisuke’s genius to rise to the bait. “Do the next one too then, if you’re up to being helpful.” </p><p>Kisuke gets to work and Ichigo tucks his face into Kisuke’s neck, wondering how long Kisuke will let him remain there this time. </p><p>He doesn’t encourage affection out of bed, probably trying not to lead Ichigo on. </p><p>Three seconds is all it takes for him to figure out Ichigo’s next problem. Three seconds is all Ichigo gets, before Kisuke is pulling back, mouth frozen in that smile, the smile that makes Ichigo’s stomach clench with arousal and shame. </p><p>“Ask and you shall receive.” Kisuke says. </p><p>“Really? You’ll give me anything I ask for?” he asks, knowing what the answer will be but wanting to hear it anyway. It always hurts, always, but he needs these little reminders here and there to remember what they’re doing here and not lose himself to the feelings he can’t seem to be able to shake off. </p><p>“Now, now, don’t be greedy, Kurosaki-kun.” </p><p>And oh, his eyes are sharp. They are so sharp, as he stomps all over Ichigo’s heart again. They are alight with knowledge, and it angers Ichigo, but also works to make a twisted part of himself keen in pleasure.</p><p>… because Kisuke knows, he knows, and he still won’t stop screwing with Ichigo, using Ichigo’s body again and again, every night, to bring himself pleasure, all the while deepening the gouge running down the middle of Ichigo’s heart. Kisuke knows and he isn’t going to stop. It is no surprise. He always has been a bastard. </p><p>Maybe, just maybe, Ichigo thinks to himself, he isn’t the pathetic one out of the two of them.   </p><p>…</p><p>“Does Grindr work in Japan?” Rukia wonders out loud one day and Ichigo nearly spits out his drink. </p><p>“WHAT- HOW… How do you even know about that app?!” Ichigo’s voice comes out squeaky and high-pitched. It’s one of the things he hates the most about himself. His voice always betrays him when he is trying to appear outraged. </p><p>“Nii-sama told me.” Rukia brushes off, like it’s no big deal… and how does fucking Byakuya in fucking Soul Society even know about Grindr anyway? “Does it? I’ve heard Tinder doesn’t have a great reach when it comes to, you know, non-heteros.”</p><p>“It terrifies me to see you so fluent in human lingo.” </p><p>Rukia grins at that. </p><p>“When your best friend is human and all that… Don’t you dare flip the topic, moron! Does it?”</p><p>Ichigo is pretty fucking sure his cheeks are as red as Renji’s hair. </p><p>“Do you think we could find you a smart, rich, older guy on there? Don’t humans call them ‘daddies’ for some reason?” </p><p>… okay, probably darker. </p><p>“Listen here, midget!” he screams. Every random person on the road within six metres of him turns to glare at him in disapproval. Rukia is a horrible person, he decides. He makes a mental note to tell her that Tatsuki has been reinstated as his best friend, later. </p><p>“I don’t know if Grindr works in Japan and I am not going to find out. Neither are you. Because online dating is gross and I… am already seeing someone,” he hisses next and all of it is true. Kisuke doesn’t have to commit to him for his heart to decide so much as looking at another man would be a capital crime he ought to be hanged for. </p><p>“Your someone is seeing multiple someones.” </p><p>Ichigo’s footsteps draw to a stop. </p><p>“No, he’s not.” </p><p>He’s free to, but he isn’t. </p><p>He isn’t. </p><p>… because if he is then that just means Ichigo couldn’t even be a satisfying enough cum dumpster for him. </p><p>Rukia’s eyes cloud over with something like realisation and regret and, oh god, of course she thought he knew. </p><p>“How do you know?” he barks and he can see her lower lip tremble. </p><p>“I might be wrong.” </p><p>“You’ve never lied to me before. Don’t start now.” </p><p>At the mouth of an alley, on the sidewalk of a busy street with cars honking and people chattering away on their phones is not how Ichigo expected to fall apart but he thinks he might, he just might. </p><p>“You need to leave him, Ichigo.” </p><p>As if he doesn’t know. </p><p>As if he could. </p><p>“How do you know, Rukia?!” </p><p>Who is it, he doesn’t ask. Do you know what’s wrong with me, he doesn’t ask. </p><p>“I saw him when I used his gate. Outside his shop.” </p><p>It hasn’t even been a full hour since she came to the human world. There’s a chance Kisuke’s other lover is still at the shoten.</p><p>He doesn’t stop or turn around when she calls his name. </p><p>…</p><p>“Boss is in a private meeting,” Ururu gently reprimands him for trying to burst into Kisuke’s room and before Ichigo even opens his mouth, he knows he is going to hate himself when the thick, burning rage stops lacerating his gut. </p><p>“I am on your boss’s cock nearly every night, pipsqueak. There’s not much he’s got to hide from me.” </p><p>Ururu’s eyes widen and before the girl can gather her wits, he is storming through to the private wing of the establishment. </p><p>He hears quiet moans from beyond the door when his fingers grip it to draw it open. Ichigo doesn’t know how he isn’t crying. </p><p>The sight that meets his eyes doesn’t hurt as much as it should until he realises Kisuke looks so debauched because he is the one on his hands and knees this time. Ichigo wonders if this is why, if Kisuke thought he couldn’t ask for something like this from a younger guy, if he thought Ichigo couldn’t hold him down and fuck him within an inch of his life like Shinji is doing right now. </p><p>“Yo, Ichigo,” Shinji grins before he wipes his brow with the back of his hand, smile nonchalant on his face like he isn’t literally fucking the man Ichigo is in love with. He must not know, Ichigo thinks… but then, maybe he does. </p><p>Does Kisuke regale his friends with tales of Ichigo’s hopeless affection for him when they need a laugh?</p><p>No, Urahara Kisuke isn’t mean. He is just not in love with Ichigo. </p><p>Next to him, someone yelps and Ichigo barely catches sight of Ururu as she disappears down the corridor. He hadn’t realised she followed him. She might be too fucking scandalised to look any of them in the eye again. </p><p>“So you gonna follow her, or join in?” </p><p>Kisuke isn’t even looking at him and Ichigo realises he underestimated how much Kisuke’s disregard for Ichigo’s feelings could hurt because Ichigo hurts. He hurts down to the very tips of his toes and Kisuke doesn’t care. </p><p>He should turn around and leave, he knows, but a small, stubborn, hopeful part of him wonders if Kisuke would feel half as awful as Ichigo does if he sees another man touching him. He feels insane, high on the shattering sound of his glass heart and he steps in, closing the door behind himself.</p><p>Shinji crows in glee and resumes his thrusts. </p><p>It draws a shuddering gasp out of Kisuke, and his eyes flit to Ichigo for half a second, before he looks away again. </p><p>Throwing his shirt to a corner, Ichigo goes to kneel in front of Kisuke’s face. It’s okay if the man isn’t going to look at Ichigo, but he’ll be damned if Kisuke ignores him fully. </p><p>Lifting Kisuke’s head up with a nearly bruising grasp on his chin, Ichigo crashes their lips together. Kisuke instinctively opens his mouth, his pointy, stubbled chin prickling against Ichigo’s smooth skin as his body rocks forward on Shinji’s cock, the collision of their teeth making the older Shinigami hiss.</p><p>Ichigo’s kisses can’t be mistaken for anything but pleas, though. </p><p>His grip remains steadfast on Kisuke’s chin, but his lips are gentle in their movement, his tongue curling around Kisuke’s in an attempt to coax it forward, into a tangle that feels less one sided. Ichigo pleads like he never quite has and nearly laughs at himself because why would Kisuke ever feel jealous over someone as completely in love with him as Ichigo is?</p><p>Kisuke lets Ichigo kiss him for as long as he wants and when they part his eyes don’t shy from Ichigo’s again. </p><p>Then, he straightens to lean more against Shinji, making the bobbing of his cock visible to Ichigo. With his eyes still on Ichigo, Kisuke pulls Shinji forward into a kiss. </p><p>This time, Ichigo does laugh. It’s a bitter, sardonic little thing that only helps to make him feel worse. </p><p>When Kisuke grabs his hand and brings it to his cock, Ichigo starts working his fist in hard pumps and Kisuke doesn’t kiss him again. </p><p>When tears finally escape his eyes and Shinji declares it’s because his cock must feel great inside of Ichigo, he doesn’t say a word. </p><p>When Kisuke dresses himself to walk Shinji to the door and doesn’t return, Ichigo doesn’t let himself go look for him either. </p><p>…</p><p>Kisuke must suck at apologies. He fails at the most basic part, feeling sorry. </p><p>Ichigo can’t even demand one. Kisuke hasn’t cheated on him. Kisuke hasn’t broken promises or told lies. </p><p>Ichigo almost wishes he had. At least the pangs reverberating through his ribs would feel less like self-loathing then. </p><p>…</p><p>Kisuke stops calling on him and it terrifies Ichigo. </p><p>“Think of it as the trash taking itself out,” Uryuu mutters and Ichigo grins, because he has to. He can’t let Uryuu know he disagrees. He doesn’t need to look any more pathetic than he already does. </p><p>Urahara Kisuke isn’t trash though. Urahara Kisuke is brilliant and charming and powerful and enigmatic and gorgeous and righteous and a damn good lay. Urahara Kisuke is a drug and Kurosaki Ichigo has decided the pain of withdrawal is worse than the pitiful life of an addict. </p><p>Jinta blushes and looks away when he goes to the shop this time. He thinks Ururu must have told him what happened. </p><p>For the first time, he feels thankful for Tessai’s creepy glasses, though. Ichigo doesn’t want to know what he thinks. </p><p>Ichigo finds Kisuke in the storage room and he doesn’t even give the older man a chance to fully take him in before he crushes their lips together, slamming Kisuke into a wall and running his tongue across every corner of his mouth before pulling away. </p><p>Kisuke pants, pale cheeks flushed. His hat has been knocked off his head, which Ichigo is perfectly fine with because it is creepy as hell. </p><p>“What are you doing?” Kisuke breathes. His palms push against Ichigo’s chest, weak, half-hearted. Ichigo takes a step back anyway but he doesn’t take his hands off of Kisuke’s shoulders. </p><p>His vision is blurred by the tears pooling in his eyes. He decides he’s not going to let them fall, not in front of Kisuke. Never again. </p><p>“You’ve given me so little, barely anything. You can’t take that away as well.” </p><p>For the first time since that first night, Kisuke looks uncomfortable at the mention of how he’s treated Ichigo. He files it away as a victory in his mind, and wonders why it tastes like bitter defeat. </p><p>“We shouldn’t keep doing this. You’re hurting.” </p><p>Kisuke’s voice rings hollow and Ichigo is left to doubt the genuineness of his apparent guilt. Has he learned to care or is he playing a part? Is this just another dose to fuel Ichigo’s obsession or is he honestly looking to stop?</p><p>Ichigo knows which option he prefers and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t win this time, just this one time.</p><p>He shakes his head and feels his expression growing bitterer. The line of Kisuke’s mouth thins and Ichigo gives in, pressing a quick, soft kiss against his lips again. </p><p>“That was never a secret. You knew. You always knew. I don’t know what’s made you change your mind, but whatever it is, you need to forget about it.” Ichigo steps closer and when Kisuke’s hands don’t resist him, he presses their chests flush together. </p><p>Kisuke is hard. He is getting off on Ichigo begging. </p><p>… and all of a sudden, it becomes clear. </p><p>This is punishment. For that kiss.   </p><p>Kisuke is showing him a preview of what will happen if Ichigo ever dares to demand more again. </p><p>… because God, Urahara Kisuke is an evil, manipulative bastard and he really couldn’t be bothered by the workings of Ichigo’s heart even if Ichigo lays it at his feet. </p><p>“Please,” Ichigo begs. He palms at Kisuke’s erection from over his ridiculous green pants and trails kisses up his throat. “Please,” he growls. “I won’t ever ask for more again. I promise you.” </p><p>…</p><p>Ichigo doesn’t believe he is in love. </p><p>Being in love puts him at Kisuke’s mercy, to toy with as he pleases and, boy, does it please Kisuke to toy with Ichigo’s heart. Being in love makes a fool out of Ichigo, because no matter what his friends say he can’t let go of that cunning piece of shit so his stupid, bruised pride is really all Ichigo has got to hang on to. Being in love means he is being used, and really, that just sounds childish because he is consenting to all of this, he craves all of this, and he isn’t a naive teenager anymore, come on, he isn’t being used. Being in love means he can be destroyed, he can be hurt, and hurt he will be, because Urahara Kisuke doesn’t love him.</p><p>… but that’s okay. Ichigo isn’t in love after all. </p><p>Except he is.</p><p>And he doesn’t know how to let go.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Comment and let me know what you thought.</p><p>Come scream at me about Bleach on <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/shamelessllamapeanutthing">Tumblr!</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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